Monday, March 16, 2015
My Neuro-psychological testing is done. I was incredibly challenging for me. My brain was completely shot the first time from focusing so hard. I got 14 hours sleep that night and 10 hours , 2 nights in a row after that smile emoticon I focused so hard on having good results... which came out "poor" by the way... :(( ( which Dr.Sullivan hurried up to say. haha) The neuro-psychologist is great. Such a down to earth guy, and funny. He seems "real", and you know I love real people, no matter how shy, or blunt, or quiet, or crazy they are.
He explained to me that he does not know the "percentages" between what is Neurological damages from the CM and Surgery, or psychological issues like anxiety/depression brought on by all all this. I think its not that black and white, but the 2 have a good team work going on. It's been a struggle to explain to people how most of the time, this "confusion" seems to appear "out of nowhere". I do know that stress, lack of sleep, multi tasking, conflict, having to focus hard, too much to do, trying to remember something and more, are major triggers. I do need help controlling those triggers. But how do you live life without any of these??? It's life, you know! But, I understand now that there is no "this happens out of nowhere".... There is/are trigger/s and I can point out the "trigger" most of the time...
So, I agree that I can learn to manage the psychological "triggers" and i sure hope get control over them... because this happening causes me to stress way too much, and stress makes it a lot worse. . and getting frustrated or upset makes it worse, and let the cycle begin. I do trust him (the Neuro psychologist) and will follow thru with the psychological treatments with a psychologist. I have no doubts that I will benefit from it, but the same way I knew my physical and neurological symptoms were caused by my cavernoma, I also know this confusion to be be the cognitive impairment. I have had a few moments where I was dealing with major physical stress from lack of sleep, too much running around, doing too much for people, and I got myself majorly lost, big time a way I wont even try to explain. Lost physically and mentally. No judgments, No nothing. NOT good. So I KNOW that stress makes it worse, but don't tell me this happens to me BECAUSE i am stress. I am not someone who stress myself out.
However, like I said, I truly need help not letting this get to me to where it makes it worse and I cant function at all. I also sure can use the psychological help to start accepting my new "brain", and when I feel anxious and depressed because I feel dumb and misunderstood because of it. It's a cycle I do want to break... Jay offered my the sweetest gift ever the night I got my "results". It is a book filled with cute, funny, and beautiful heart felt words about why I am awesome. hahaha It truly, really spoke to my heart and made me understand that despite me thinking and feeling that I "now suck", I dont... That made me understand that I just have to learn to live with the struggle of this cognitive impairment ... but to stop stressing out about it, that this does not define me ... Its a lot harder than it looks to feel like a completely different person "up there".... I was ready 100% to accept any physical deficits going thru with the surgery....
You dont hear me complain too much about how awful the ringings (5 tones) in my head are, or how annoying it is to drop everything, how difficult it is to write, be dizzy all the time, or the annoyance of poor depth perception. (Hey that's not even complaining, its just stating facts haha) But somehow, the mental changes... the difference in how you "think" is so hard to accept. Every minute of the day, I feel that I am working out my brain, my "thinking process". Its really exhausting. We dont realize how "thinking" controls all aspect of our lives until we feel as if we cant think at all. Well this took me 2 hours to write... But writing my thoughts is so much easier than talking. I was told back in Speech therapy, that to talk, we have to think first before we say it, but writing, we "speak" it as we think it . All I know is that it is so much easier to write. That's why I prefer text or email than talk on the phone, but that can be viewed as rude. But that's a different post. hahaha
Oh I also will be seeing a Neurologist about my breathing/heartbeat vagus nerve issues. To finish, this picture... is so very accurate. It always surprise me when I come across something that explain what I could not even put into words. It makes me say "Ah someone understands!! or I am not crazy!!"
Written by Unknown at 9:49 PM